Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Call to Arms

Epistle from the Regent and Defender of the Faith, Cult of the Week, Nathaniel Savidge

Greetings to all the faithful followers of Gravity. Contemplate the the words of the Book that came to me this week:

Behold the Book of Weeks, Ineffable and ever-changing.
Behold the Book of Weeks, blessed are its out-comings, and its goings-forth.
Seek within its knowledge, for it is unchanging and ever written.
Find the path that is inside to reach the outer way, for the transformation of many is surely fire for the few.
And lo, call me not Shirley.
--1st mantra for the faithful, from The Meditations, Ineffable Book of Weeks


I have long contemplated the stirring revelations of our Prophet. I have struggled to come to a true and faithful understanding of True Gravitism. And, as the anointed Regent and Defender of the Faith of the Cult of the Week, I have, using the those unique abilities which originally confirmed me in my role and life's mission, perfected my understanding of Gravity and the Regional Grampf dimension. 

Now, for the first time since the elder times, the words of the Prophet can be explicated for those in bondage and darkness, trapped as they are in the linear drudgery of the Side-Out Toad dimension! Fear not, our current naturalistic understanding of Gravity is not evil, but only misleading. I will open your minds to the potential of the true and illuminated gravitic life. These simple, life affirming practices will radically change your lives if you follow them to the absolute letter.

Remember that the perspective of unenlightened humans is very limited. You must rely on the enlightenment of the COTW to realign your perceptions to the truth. For example, we know from quantum physics that our perception of Gravity manifests in our dimension from the quantum spins of subatomic particles in all things. This proves that Gravity manifests and controls all things around us. The unenlightened and heretics alike confirm this power. Now we move towards enlightenment. Our unfortunate current state-perception in the side-out toad dimension is linear and moves forward through its spherical space-projection, never truly changing and therefore never allowing us true change. We now know the true space-projection, regional gramph, intersects our situation here and now in ways to give us hope:

In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consciousness works on the 2nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.
--Words of Aaron the OTP, concerning the new gravitic way, from the Oraculum, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Naturally, most human perception severely limits the ability to visualize such complex realities. To explain the revelation, gramph intersects with us here in such a way as to be non-linear and circular in nature, if one were to picture the intersections as a 6 dimensional construct, of course. Until you obtain these higher thought regions, simply know that Gravity intersects with us wherever we are. And will continue to do so. Some higher interactions with Gravity may even take place in a chronologically non-linear order! But, how can the faithful start down this road? By emulating Gravity in its spherically propagating way:

  1. Twirling around daily, and if possible, violently. As Gravity moves, so should we move in the same manner. (Sufis, Tibetan monks, and most small children naturally know this Truth!)
  2. This twirling is preferably accompanied with the recitation of the following mantra: “As Gravity goes, so shall I. Forward I go, even as around spins the toaded.” (You are not actually moving. Gravity moves the world. It's just a question of perspective)
  3. Show unrequited kindness toward an elephant at least once in your life. (It will really make a huge difference. It has to do with confluence of gravitic field strength in large sentient bodies. The exact details are far beyond the scope of the average acolyte's knowledge.)
  4. If you are one of the lucky to receive a manifestation of your gravitic clone, whatever you do, don't be stingy with the tea! Things have been known to get “weird” otherwise.
  5. Tell everyone everything you currently know of Gravity and the Gravity filled life. But only as much as they need to know at the moment. With only 35 years left of this existence, we can't afford to wait or confuse the uninitiated with higher order philosophy and idle chit chat.
  6. As interstellar travel is currently unavailable, it is recommended that all faithful who struggle with perceptions of Gravity undertake a pilgrimage from Detroit to Vermont (in the US, not the planet Vermont. (Which is actually a moon of a habitable zone gas giant planet currently known in scientific circles as “MOA-2011-BLG-293L b”, in the constellation Sagittarius, near the galactic core. A perfect gravitational confluence!)). Taking a heartfelt pilgrimage (ie while twirling) will help realign your perceptions and cure the warts of the toaded generationally.

Strive to emulate these deeper congruities of Gravity; always twirling, twirling toward freedom!

One further note to the faithful. Regarding usage of the Words of the Prophet: “side out toad”:  Some have taken to using the phrase “I'll Toad you”. The meaning is intended as a spiritual diagnosis. Rather like soothsayers and fortune tellers, but with more nit-picking and accusations of heresy. While not quite a threat, this usage has been taken as harsh by some because of its abuse by others. Beware of your despision of the faithful. Judgement is sure and those who test this Gravitational rule will be converted to bifurcated spiritual mana for the faithful and Gravity's coming realignment. I am sure that Ryan the Heretic will have an opinion on this as well. As example, consider the true words of the Book:

Then as they strode together, with mind of fire and eyes of gold, the Prophet answered them in the moment of illumination, “Where then can my tongue not bound? In argument of all things I have been granted a cause and a strident voice to proclaim this, the new revelation of Gravity. Surely in the goings forth and in the leavings out, the Knowledge will return again to the Source through the illumination of many ears.” Then spake Alan the Heretic falsely against Gravity, and all were filled with minds of fire as they ate together that day.

--from the Founding of Gravity, 1st of the Histories, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Also, in a completely unrelated bit of news, I have manifested a new spiritual power to further lead the cult. I have the power to manifest books by power of will alone. Not with actual paper mind you. Writing them down still seems to be a lengthy and arduous process.

A piece of all weighty things to all you of the faith. Hail Gravity!

     Regent and Defender of the Faith

By all approval and power of the Cult of the Week Tribunal Synod

Friday, November 1, 2013

Gravity's Revelations

Gravity and the elemental angling of its dimensional properties be with you. Hail Gravity!

We have been Gravitists for nearly six weeks. Hardly enough time for any new religion to kick start itself, let alone garner a following and begin changing the world. Congratulations to us.

Not only do we have adherents all over the world, we are also in talks with TDTV to broadcast Cult of the Week so that even more followers can jump on the bandwagon.

Heed the Explication of Prophecy Ye Faithful

Most pressingly positive of all, perhaps, is the revelation of Gravity to Aaron, our Divine Prophet, and the subsequent revelations that have rocked the Gravitistic world in such a positive fashion. In communication with Gravity, I have obtained the chief end of man. Gravity has revealed to me Its stunning presage for all of us, and that future is glorious.

Allow me to amplify further.

Looking at the universe as a dynamic whole, and the spatial spheres therein, one must take Gravity as it naturally is and within the framework of cultural and culturally scientific pursuits, never forgetting that, scientifically speaking, Gravity is often defined as our perceptions dictate, disregarding the inherent absentness of absolute truth with regards to our own fallibility.

We and our followers have naturally worshiped Gravity based upon this chassis; thereby desecrating Gravity and condemning ourselves. Perhaps these words sound harsh and that is because they are. Nevertheless, all our worship has not been in vain. We have been on the right track; we just have not had all the truth we needed.

Welcome to the tenth dimension, people.


In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consiousness works on the 2nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.

Gravity inhabits all spherical and non-spherical dimensional realities, and for the sake of simplifying things, non-realities. Reality, as the majority of those who dwell within the side-out toad dimension experience it, is vastly limited and more than generally disproportionately misconstrued as a circus elephant ride in Detroit. Gravity is here to bring clarity to your delusions. (As a simple example, most of those elephant rides are actually taking place, not in Detroit, but on the flipside of a planet called Vermont, not to be confused with the united state of the same name, and are actually alien abductions by a benevolent but medically curious race. Ironically, most interplanetary probe stories are actually the result of a misinterpretation of afternoon teas with one's Gravitational clone.)

We have 35 of our year-perceptions to restore the “human” populace to a deeper understanding of reality and what it means to inhabit our dimension as congruent and genetically placed hybrids of limited but historically accurate importance.

At the end of such time, Gravity is pulling out the proverbial hammer and using black hole properties to reconfigure the heretical flesh of unbelievers to seedlings of a substance that, when raised to fruition, Gravity will distribute as a delicacy to all Its loyal adherents.  Only those followers who have transitioned genetically to the regional gramph dimension via Gravity's localized reversed flow will escape the wrath.

Now is the time to join us and escape the coming apocalypse.  We select few will be all of our race left to repopulate and, using the transformed substance of our fellow Earthians, create a new civilization.

Solicit all your intelligent and hot friends to join us in this brave new world.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Prophetic Elucidation

We have received some concerned responses regarding our last posted video - Cult of the Week Episode 5 - Movie Review and a Startling Revelation.  These responses were not exactly negative, but anxious and were not concerning the movie review by our Regent, but by the divinitory vision that assaulted our prophet before your very eyes.

Some have claimed sham.  Some, too far!  And yet others expressed a doomsdayish fanaticism.

In an effort to clarify for all, we have created this video.

These things were clarified in my mind as I recovered from the impact of the blasting visitation that Gravity bestowed upon me.  There is more that Gravity has given me, stowed away in the recesses of my mind, and these shall be revealed to you, the faithful, in our next blog.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Gravity Speaks!

Good Gravity, all!  A brand-new, fun-filled video blog is here for your enjoyment.

In today's video, Nathaniel and I sit down to discuss the new film, Gravity.  Beware, though, as something unexpected happens afterward.

For our next installment, we are planning on having Sandra Bullock and George Clooney do a guest blog, so they can share their stories and how they came to believe in Gravity.  Stay tuned!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Weighty Matters

I do hope that you have all been singing the Gravity hymn faithfully and that it has enriched you in your devotion to Gravity. If you don't know the Gravity hymn, please follow this link to the video and begin participating immediately. You can post videos of you singing the hymn to our YouTube channel and let us know what you think.  Think of this as your duty to Gravity, which has been so faithful to you.

 As faithful followers, though, please be aware that the singing of the anthem is not optional. It is compulsory. Gravity has demanded this rite as a necessary sacrifice for all adherents; and, though we shall not demand confession, Gravity will know whether you are good or bad. Do not suppose that Gravity will not deign to strike the nominal among you.

Many heathens believe that there is one indisputable law of Gravity.  This is not so.  Let us denote our first three rules of Gravitism, which you, the elect and faithful are now privileged to hear.
  1. Thou shalt believest that Gravity exists and is the supreme god of the week.
  2. Thou shaltest sing the first Gravitational hymn at least once during the duration of the cult. (Gravity will reward you double points for posting a video.)
  3. Thou shalt prostrate thyself before Gravity.  The meditation of experiencing Gravity's pull will remind the weak in faith that Gravity's embrace is all encompassing.  This is mandatory.  (Sleep doesn't count, ye sluggards!!)  Once daily you must publicly demonstrate your devotion.
Remember, the One True Prophet is the undisputed speaker of all gravitic truth, and as such, his holy rules are not to be disputed.  And the Reigning Monarch is standing by with his Smiting Sword and Prod of Discipline to enforce the heck out of them.

Good – on with the meat of the post.

In Part Two of the Gravity Cult's doctrinal and expository rantings, I would like to debunk some of the ridiculous heretical statements made by some of our faithful followers. Hopefully, these answers will not only show our followers to be foolish, but also further enlighten the masses in what the worship of Gravity really is all about.

The Epistle to Gwyned

On September 29th, we received the following comment from gwyned. gwyned is responsible for creating Gravity's one and only hymn and for that we are ever grateful.  He comments:
“So what happens when I remove myself from the gravitational pull of any nearby large-mass objects? Does this not greatly diminish gravity's power over me, allowing me to escape from its power for all practical purposes? In that case, there is something that this god cannot do, and thus gravity is no god at all.”
Ridiculous, gwyned, though I appreciate your dissenting opinion - it is truly refreshing. However, I will debunk you.

You see, we are not worshiping large-mass objects. We are worshiping gravity. Just because you move away from large-mass objects doesn't mean that gravity disappears. Gravity is just as present as ever. Gravity is in ALL things. You, gwyned, have a gravitational pull, negligible though it is; and though you have been impertinent Gravity still dwells within you, as it does all beings. Of course, your communing with Gravity through beautiful song has greatly improved Gravity's thoughts toward you.

Those of us who dwell on earth (physically) currently inhabit three separate realms of gravity. Earth itself has a gravitational pull on us. Earth and all of us are in the gravitational field of the sun. And the sun and all in its sway are in the gravitational pull of the core of the galaxy. At no point are you escaping the power of gravity, though you run to Tarshish itself, even there will Gravity find you.

And to bring up a minor point – because a god cannot do something does not eliminate that entity from being a god. You can be a god and not be omnipresent, all powerful and invincible.

gwyned, because you have contributed significantly to the cause of Gravity, you will receive a pass for your outrageous questionings. And it is with great pleasure and supreme grace that we bestow upon you the title of Cult of the Week's Worship Maestro and Conductor Magnifique. What you choose to conduct is entirely up to you, of course. Congratulations!

The Epistle to Rose

Rose Nevets has pledged even more allegiance to Gravity by succumbing to the divine prophecy of her own derangement:
“Divine Gravity has only confirmed what I myself have suspected all along. I'm crazy. I bow my head to Gravity's divine wisdom.

Do you think I can obtain an official title including some form of "first crazed follower"? ;-)”
Of course.  Rose, because of your faithful allegiance, Cult of the Week has found favor with you. Henceforth, may you ever be known as our official Acolyte of Insanity. Your insane comments are always welcome; nay, may they even be considered fodder for the ever growing Ineffable Book of Weeks. The crazier, the better.

The Epistle to Lissajean

Another good friend of Cult of the Week, lissajean has written:
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I have known the two of you since those 'beginning' days that you so lovingly described... Yet, it is only in the past month that I have heard of the Cult of the Week. Is that a failing on my part, or yours?”
Obviously yours. If you would pay a little more attention to things, perhaps the important stuff, like Cult of the Week, wouldn't slip through the cracks of your mistaken priorities.
“When you stand at the end of the video, is that an act of rebellion? If falling to the floor is an act of worship (or, perhaps in this case, chastisement) then wouldn't the opposite follow? Also, would it be correct to assume that the closer you are to the Earth's center of gravity, the more 'holy' you are? Those who live in the mountains would then be considered 'weaker' in their faith? What about airplanes? They use all that energy to fly far above the ground... There are so many implications!”
Actually, lissajean, I would argue the opposite. In the video we were standing so that we could get closer to the earth by falling.  Regardless, the difference in gravity required to stand is quite minimal. But, in general those who seek the heights – mountains, cliffs, airplanes, even jumping off their feet – are in actuality worshiping gravity quite sincerely. For they are trusting that as they pull themselves up, away from our nearest large-scale gravitational field, that Gravity will perform its divine work on them and bring them earthward once again. Those who travel to the reaches of space are trusting that the same Gravity that worked in them so faithfully on earth, would do likewise as they searched the far reaches of our universe. In the absence of earthly Gravity, the vast bounds of Gravity become all the more evident. Truly, the heavens declare the majesty of Gravity.

Indeed, those of us who desperately cling to the surface of our sphere could be seeking greater knowledge of gravity, or perhaps we are very low in faith, not trusting Gravity to work.

We'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and questions.

I foresee at least one more blog on the glory of Gravity. This one will be particularly exciting as it will delve into a historical heresy that started the moment the worship of Gravity was mentioned - Allanistic heresy.  It will also deal with the most important question we have as we worship Gravity -  the end of our faith. What it is really all about? Why worship Gravity in the first place? What is in it for us? (Thou selfish swine.) All these questions and more will be answered in our next blog – don't miss it.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

In the Garden of Gravity

We have outstanding news for you today, and one heck of an awesome and enlightening video.

One of our faithful followers – gwyned – composed and sang the first ever Cult of the Week hymn and then he created a fascinating music video.

Yes – you actually heard right. Gravity, our first official cult, has its very first hymn. Here it is, linked to our YouTube channel.  (Including a special brief get-to-know-you video with our official Cult of the Week Heretic - Ryan Benbow.)

Huge thanks to gwyned for putting this together. Check out his blog – Writer Adept and follow him on twitter - @gwyned42.

Our challenge to you - create your own version of the hymn.  Create a video for YouTube or create a sound file and share it with us here on the blog, or in response to the YouTube video on our channel.  (Bonus points if you can get the vague reference in the title of the blog.)

The heavy lyrics (which must be sung with all reverence):
Worship the Gravity.
We thank Newton, and the apple that fell from the tree.
Pulling on you and me.
Downward we fall.
Both great and small.
Hail, Gravity.
Downward we fall.
Both great and small.
Hail, Gravity.

And never fear, more Gravitism topics in a new blog post coming soon!

Sunday, September 29, 2013

A Video Welcome

Welcome back!

Cult of the Week is going strong.  We've really enjoyed sharing what has changed our lives with you.  We were even mentioned in a tweet by Skye Jethani!  Talk about fame.  I mean.. he wasn't like, talking about Cult of the Week, he was commenting on a video I posted of my son..  But since the twitter handle I used was Cult of the Week, he didn't really have much of a choice..  Still.. any publicity, right?  That means he endorses us, right?  Can I add some sort of blog certified by Skye stamp?

Okay - probably not.
Well, enjoy this welcoming video we made for you!  It was a lot of fun to make.  Watch here on the blog.  You can also follow up on YouTube, on our brand new channel.


Let us know what you think!  Would you like to be in a future vlog to discuss religious cultish implications?  Let us know!

As always - share, post, comment, etc...
Don't forget Cult of the Week on facebook.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


In the beginning was the pull, and the pull was with god, and the pull was god. Gravity was moving over the face of the waters and gently caressing the tips of the tops of the trees. I can feel it tugging my toes, tickling my tresses, yanking me ever downward toward the center of the earth. Soil and rock and crust; upper and lower mantle; magma and heat and pressure; all the terrors that lie above and beneath the surface of the earth be darned – gravity will have it's way with you, and violently!


Yes, our very first cult is that most potent of forces, that most elemental attraction – Gravity. (Please hold your gentle applause.) Its presence with us doth continually linger and through its eternal wisdom we are firmly grounded upon this rock. It is because of Gravity's base force and true presence in our lives that we can boldly say it is truly a cult worth fostering, and one greatly worthy of being the Cult of the Week's first official cult.

The first thing to consider when thinking of the power and majesty of Gravity is its powerful attraction. Those who worship Gravity will have very little trouble bringing others into their system of beliefs as there is no doubt that Gravity itself will do most of the work, pulling the non-believers in, smiting them, if you will, with itself. One need never question the existence of Gravity, as there is evidence all around us that speaks to its presence. 

Heretical Denoucements 

Yes, you cannot see Gravity. But, neither can you see the wind, or God, yet you know that these exist, as you see the evidences for them; the feel of the wind as it knocks you over, the touch of God as he fills your life. Therefore, though science, in all it's vaunted grandeur, seeks to eliminate Gravity from the conversation, it is here to stay. “It cannot be seen, touched or measured, as the existence of God can,” they decry. Yet, we of the faith know of Gravity's presence and of its intimate involvement in our lives.

Though Science and Modernism attempt to discredit Gravity's very existence, there are a larger number who, though they believe in Gravity, call it a force of ultimate evil, “Its pull to the center of the earth is an attempt to drag you to the depths of hell.” But then, I call on them to name what is their ultimate good, for can an ultimate evil exist with no ultimate good. (Maybe it can, this is an excellent subject for a spirited comment debate. (Comment below)) Or do they call the mere absence of Gravity to be the ultimate good? If this is the case, how small is their god, one that must depart at the very suggestion of its rival.

But I proclaim a heretic any who says that hell is a place within the bowels of the earth. (Ryan Benbow) No - within the earth dwells nirvana, and Gravity is our true god, pulling us downward to perfect peace, happiness and equilibrium.

Prophetical Declarations

 Let me leave this introduction to the Gravity cult with the following thought from one of Gravity's greatest prophets – Isaac Newton, a well respected person, even within the heretical scientific community. Newton developed the Universal Law of Gravitation, which elementally states that all objects in the universe attract each other. Yes, Newton is stating that ultimately - Gravity holds the universe together. Newton had a great love and profound understanding of Gravity. Is it any wonder than, that these quotes are attributed to Newton himself?

This most beautiful [gravitational] system of the sun, planets, and comets could only proceed from the counsel and dominion of an intelligent and powerful Being.”

And consider also this brilliant quote.

When I wrote my treatise [principia] about our [solar system], I had an eye on such principles as might work with considering men for the belief in a Deity; and nothing can rejoice me more than to find it useful for that purpose.”

There can be no doubt that Newton revered Gravity as his Deity and has urged us all to do the same.

I greatly encourage you to post your thoughts on Gravity and our worship of it this week. Comment below and hopefully, we'll be able to get a lively discussing going. Don't forget to share, like, follow and social media the heck out of us!  (We are now a religion on Facebook!)

Big shout out to Rose Nevets - for being our first official follower!  Hooray.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

It's Business Time

I think that before we get too far into this Cult of the Week thing, before even we establish our first cult, we should examine our general hierarchy, as well as some ground rules and other general business.

Sound boring? Well, perhaps for some other religious organizations and cults, but not for us. There are no end of exciting and ridiculous endowments we can and will bestow upon ourselves, and because our cult changes every week our titles can change as well.

Let us begin with our current structure and titles:

Holy High Prophet, Public Liaison, Hippie Representative – This post is currently filled by Aaron White, myself. Responsibilities include hearing holy wisdom and revelation from whichever deity chooses to reveal itself. If none is forthcoming, it is my responsibility to make up something that will satisfy the incorrigible masses who hang around at the back of our church services, ready to beat a hasty exit and unsure how much of this is satirical and whether we are serious about any of it or not. Currently, I am the only one working on this darn blog (see final title of my compatriot) and will be sure to answer each and every one of your sure-to-be plentiful questions and comments. Look for me also as the chief evangelist, enlisting your support and seeking new converts. The “Hippie” part mostly just means that I have long hair and a long beard, which I currently do.

Reigning Monarch, Liturgical Scribe, Slacker Extraordinaire – May the royal diadem grace his lofty bald brow with foolish indignity; Nathaniel Savidge slouches in the high throne. Responsibilities are limited due to his idler qualities; nevertheless they include making general kingly proclamations, which shall be broadcast to all the peasant faithful. As scribe, he is in charge of the holy writings of our many cults, including all updates and additions (which shall be plentiful), as well as being on-hand to sign your digital copies, shake your digital hands and kiss your digital babies. As head of the military and governance of the Cult, he is fit to rule in times of dissension or debate; though, as we have no military and no governing body per se, we may all feel free to heartily disagree.

Official Heretic and General Naysayer – Currently this position is filled by Ryan Benbow, who always has something derogatory to say about our shenanigans. While technically a member of the Cult of the Week, he takes every opportunity to deny this and declare us heretical. Which is perfect, because it is his exact job description. The keeper of this office must also be ready at all times to “zzzt” us with a lightning strike from the Almighty Himself, should He fail to act in a timely manner. Note that this job may switch from parishioner to parishioner as cults change and heretics make themselves known. (“I was on board before, but this cult just goes too far...”)

Feeling left out?  Don't! There is room for all sorts of meaningless hierarchy in the Cult of the Week. Just let us know what your desired title should be and the Liturgical Scribe can add it to our ancient texts as if it were always there.

Another great advantage to starting your own cult (or series of cults) is the ability to make up whatever crazy laws you want. And here's a great one to start with: 
Cult of the Week's laws, bylaws, prophetic bull and off-hand comments by officials or laity can and will change (even contradict) on a regular basis. A general rule-of-thumb, put quite eloquently by our de facto Heretic – Ryan Benbow - “If anything I say contradicts anything I have said in the past, then whatever I say currently trumps what I have said in the past.”

Let me also address one of our most important terms. Most words have somewhat fixed definitions, that rarely change; but, because we are the great and mighty rulers of this cult, we can define words however we please. The word “week” shall henceforth (until we decide to change things) be officially defined as “period of time which begins at the conception (immaculate or not) of a new cult deity and continues until all exploration, writing and/or official rites of said cult are completed; or until a new cult is conceived.”

By broadening the meaning of the word week, we are allowing for all avenues of the cult to be explored, mythologized, theologized, mocked, heresied and splinted into cult-sects. The conventional week need not be observed, but rather we are free to define truth as we please.

Hooray for us – we haven't even gotten started and already we are rewriting reality.

All good cults, though, need followers. Please follow this blog; twitterize it (@CultoftheWeek); force it on people's facebook feeds with shares, shares and more shares; email it to people who do not have either of those and speak about it with your own acolytes. 

Comments are considered part of the cult as well, and will go with the official literature. Didn't know we had religious texts? We do – look for those in the future – most likely in electronic form – how else can we keep track of all the changes and new revelations we will receive?

Monday, September 9, 2013


Argg. Meaning. Purpose. The point!!

My life was fraught with emptiness. I lived alone in a tiny apartment and floundered. I sat in front of screens for my job and then at home for entertainment. My connections were present, but meaningless. I did things that I thought were good works, positive things to benefit society and make this world a better place, blah blah blah. They did not fill me; meaningless.

Now, I live in a house, with a spousal unit and two offspring units. I still try to be a decent, upstanding citizen, but the emptiness persists. A wise man once said that everything is meaningless, and I agree. I just cannot fill my meaning hole.

Said the idiot.

People needn't search for meaning like a needle in a haystack in a room behind one of a thousand similar locked doors that only open if you have a special key that you received from a forest green leprechaun on the first Sunday of a July in an odd year. Meaning is everywhere. If you can't find meaning, then you aren't looking, you dolt. Meaning is so prevalent it makes the world feel like some sort of candy-landish, pink, fluffy nightmare. (But, don't worry, the ponies are usually able to bring order back to Equestria by the end of the episode.)

There is meaning in relationship, meaning in work, meaning in play. There is meaning in joy and meaning in sorrow. There is meaning in nature and meaning in man's creations.

It sickens me how much awesome stuff there is out there to find meaning in. Where do I start getting fulfilled?

There is no place better than religion. For what is religion but a defining of order and meaning in our existence. Religion is any set of beliefs predicated on faith.

But religion is also that which we hold to be the highest in our lives. A Nascar fan is as much a religious fanatic as an outdoorsman worshiping nature.

The problem with organized religion is that in choosing one, you are agreeing to settle and find meaning in the values of that particular ideology. Can a believer in Jesus also believe in dozens of Hindu gods? Can a Muslim embrace astrology? No!

This mutual exclusivity saddens me. As if one brand has a monopoly on truth. If Joseph Smith is the true prophet for one person, and Mohammad is the true prophet for another; can I not revere one this week and the other next week. I want to worship candy to the exclusion of all other means of sustenance this week; and next week I want to only eat black beans and water chestnuts as part of my cleansing ritual as I prepare to enter the presence of my alien overlord, who I believe will be returning to a ditch on Route 69 later this month to return us to our rightful places as rulers of the planet Delousiona.

Each week a different god, each week a different chance to find meaning. Each week another set of beliefs and tenets and rituals and sacraments to chronicle and adhere to. What a thrilling journey!

Join me, won't you. Don't get bogged down in searching for meaning and something to worship and tithe to on your own. Here at Cult of the Week, we'll voyage the plentiful seas of possibility together.

And don't worry, T-shirts and mugs and other identifying paraphernalia will be soon be available for “reasonable suggested donations.”