Friday, October 11, 2013

Weighty Matters

I do hope that you have all been singing the Gravity hymn faithfully and that it has enriched you in your devotion to Gravity. If you don't know the Gravity hymn, please follow this link to the video and begin participating immediately. You can post videos of you singing the hymn to our YouTube channel and let us know what you think.  Think of this as your duty to Gravity, which has been so faithful to you.

 As faithful followers, though, please be aware that the singing of the anthem is not optional. It is compulsory. Gravity has demanded this rite as a necessary sacrifice for all adherents; and, though we shall not demand confession, Gravity will know whether you are good or bad. Do not suppose that Gravity will not deign to strike the nominal among you.

Many heathens believe that there is one indisputable law of Gravity.  This is not so.  Let us denote our first three rules of Gravitism, which you, the elect and faithful are now privileged to hear.
  1. Thou shalt believest that Gravity exists and is the supreme god of the week.
  2. Thou shaltest sing the first Gravitational hymn at least once during the duration of the cult. (Gravity will reward you double points for posting a video.)
  3. Thou shalt prostrate thyself before Gravity.  The meditation of experiencing Gravity's pull will remind the weak in faith that Gravity's embrace is all encompassing.  This is mandatory.  (Sleep doesn't count, ye sluggards!!)  Once daily you must publicly demonstrate your devotion.
Remember, the One True Prophet is the undisputed speaker of all gravitic truth, and as such, his holy rules are not to be disputed.  And the Reigning Monarch is standing by with his Smiting Sword and Prod of Discipline to enforce the heck out of them.

Good – on with the meat of the post.

In Part Two of the Gravity Cult's doctrinal and expository rantings, I would like to debunk some of the ridiculous heretical statements made by some of our faithful followers. Hopefully, these answers will not only show our followers to be foolish, but also further enlighten the masses in what the worship of Gravity really is all about.

The Epistle to Gwyned

On September 29th, we received the following comment from gwyned. gwyned is responsible for creating Gravity's one and only hymn and for that we are ever grateful.  He comments:
“So what happens when I remove myself from the gravitational pull of any nearby large-mass objects? Does this not greatly diminish gravity's power over me, allowing me to escape from its power for all practical purposes? In that case, there is something that this god cannot do, and thus gravity is no god at all.”
Ridiculous, gwyned, though I appreciate your dissenting opinion - it is truly refreshing. However, I will debunk you.

You see, we are not worshiping large-mass objects. We are worshiping gravity. Just because you move away from large-mass objects doesn't mean that gravity disappears. Gravity is just as present as ever. Gravity is in ALL things. You, gwyned, have a gravitational pull, negligible though it is; and though you have been impertinent Gravity still dwells within you, as it does all beings. Of course, your communing with Gravity through beautiful song has greatly improved Gravity's thoughts toward you.

Those of us who dwell on earth (physically) currently inhabit three separate realms of gravity. Earth itself has a gravitational pull on us. Earth and all of us are in the gravitational field of the sun. And the sun and all in its sway are in the gravitational pull of the core of the galaxy. At no point are you escaping the power of gravity, though you run to Tarshish itself, even there will Gravity find you.

And to bring up a minor point – because a god cannot do something does not eliminate that entity from being a god. You can be a god and not be omnipresent, all powerful and invincible.

gwyned, because you have contributed significantly to the cause of Gravity, you will receive a pass for your outrageous questionings. And it is with great pleasure and supreme grace that we bestow upon you the title of Cult of the Week's Worship Maestro and Conductor Magnifique. What you choose to conduct is entirely up to you, of course. Congratulations!

The Epistle to Rose

Rose Nevets has pledged even more allegiance to Gravity by succumbing to the divine prophecy of her own derangement:
“Divine Gravity has only confirmed what I myself have suspected all along. I'm crazy. I bow my head to Gravity's divine wisdom.

Do you think I can obtain an official title including some form of "first crazed follower"? ;-)”
Of course.  Rose, because of your faithful allegiance, Cult of the Week has found favor with you. Henceforth, may you ever be known as our official Acolyte of Insanity. Your insane comments are always welcome; nay, may they even be considered fodder for the ever growing Ineffable Book of Weeks. The crazier, the better.

The Epistle to Lissajean

Another good friend of Cult of the Week, lissajean has written:
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I have known the two of you since those 'beginning' days that you so lovingly described... Yet, it is only in the past month that I have heard of the Cult of the Week. Is that a failing on my part, or yours?”
Obviously yours. If you would pay a little more attention to things, perhaps the important stuff, like Cult of the Week, wouldn't slip through the cracks of your mistaken priorities.
“When you stand at the end of the video, is that an act of rebellion? If falling to the floor is an act of worship (or, perhaps in this case, chastisement) then wouldn't the opposite follow? Also, would it be correct to assume that the closer you are to the Earth's center of gravity, the more 'holy' you are? Those who live in the mountains would then be considered 'weaker' in their faith? What about airplanes? They use all that energy to fly far above the ground... There are so many implications!”
Actually, lissajean, I would argue the opposite. In the video we were standing so that we could get closer to the earth by falling.  Regardless, the difference in gravity required to stand is quite minimal. But, in general those who seek the heights – mountains, cliffs, airplanes, even jumping off their feet – are in actuality worshiping gravity quite sincerely. For they are trusting that as they pull themselves up, away from our nearest large-scale gravitational field, that Gravity will perform its divine work on them and bring them earthward once again. Those who travel to the reaches of space are trusting that the same Gravity that worked in them so faithfully on earth, would do likewise as they searched the far reaches of our universe. In the absence of earthly Gravity, the vast bounds of Gravity become all the more evident. Truly, the heavens declare the majesty of Gravity.

Indeed, those of us who desperately cling to the surface of our sphere could be seeking greater knowledge of gravity, or perhaps we are very low in faith, not trusting Gravity to work.

We'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and questions.

I foresee at least one more blog on the glory of Gravity. This one will be particularly exciting as it will delve into a historical heresy that started the moment the worship of Gravity was mentioned - Allanistic heresy.  It will also deal with the most important question we have as we worship Gravity -  the end of our faith. What it is really all about? Why worship Gravity in the first place? What is in it for us? (Thou selfish swine.) All these questions and more will be answered in our next blog – don't miss it.


  1. It has come to this. I repent, recant, and repudiate.

    1. Blllasphemy!!!! Thou traitor. Thou ignorant swinish dog. You reek of freon and turnip jam. Your words and lyrics are of the deepest and most ignorant evil. May gravity bite you ever the more sharply - increasing your weight to an enormous amount so as to bind you ever the more.

      And boy are we glad to have you aboard!

    2. Surely the Prod and Sword wilt find thy backslidden backside! Repent and seek solace in the Book of Weeks and Gravity Almighty!!

  2. I have been studying thy faithful words of gravity. I have a divine question to ponder. Gravity works stronger on larger masses. Should we as, worshipers, increase our mass as a symbol of devotion? I ask this because your choice of a chocolate brown as a background color of this blog couldn't be a coincidence.

    1. Hello Patient X (though you cloak yourself in anonymity, I suspect you as being someone that I know); thank you for your comment. Though you rightfully look for hidden symbols and mysteries in all our cosmetic choices, you are unfortunately wrong about the color of our blog site. That was mostly chosen at random.

      I do not condone, nor not condone a weight gain regimen as a way to relate to Gravity on a deeper or heavier level. Some are called to commune with Gravity in their weight, which serves as a testament to themselves and others about their devotion to gravity. You could even call them preachers of Gravity's great truths.

      But, just as all are not called to be preachers, there are others who should testify to Gravity in their thinness, or even in their in-betweeness.

      Let each man/woman then follow the dictates of Gravity as It speaks to them, and let your weight be as Gravity calls.

    2. Beware, lest chocolate become a false god before you! Personally I like chocolate. The chocolate extends life. The chocolate expands consciousness. The chocolate is vital to space travel. . .
      Wait, maybe that was Spice... Uummm?
      Let chocolate's healthful benefits uplift you, but only in order to encourage a deeper and weightier understanding of Gravity and it's magnificent influence in all aspects of our lives.

      Officially spoken and recorded this day the i9.2304314<10e of the concentric revolutions of the Gravitic core reference frame,
      by the Regent and Defender of the Faith (subject blessing of the Prophet, and approval of the COTW Tribunal Synod)
      Hail Gravity!