Thursday, January 30, 2014

Beautiful People

Cult of the Week's second cult is Fortune Cookie messages.  Let's forsake some of the formalities this week and get straight into it!

Today I received this Fortune Cookie message:

Sounds pretty fantastic, right?  But, then I got to thinking.  What exactly what is this fortune trying to tell me?

Problem Number 1)  This isn't really a real fortune.  I mean, it is and it isn't.  It seems the important message is actually what the attractive person is going to tell me.  And if that person is going to tell me, then what need have I of the fortune?  Aren't we simply complicating matters, setting up an unnecessarily elaborate scavenger hunt?

Perhaps I need to seek out this attractive person...

Problem Number 2)  This sounds like a great idea.  Who wouldn't like to cruise about looking for attractive women and asking them if they "have a message for me."  However, who is to say what attractive is?  This is a huge impediment to my search:
  • Do I tell my wife?  Yes, I'm married, which reduces the search for a hot mama to something less exciting than it would be if I weren't so wonderfully encumbered.  But, my marital appendage is not really the jealous type, so I think she'd not really have much of a problem with it, though her already suffering opinion of me may suffer serious damage.
  • Do I include guys?  Women are more attractive to me, but there is no denying that there are attractive men out there.  (No, there is no creaking closet door in that statement.)  So, now I'm cruising for guys and girls??
  • Is this attractive to me, or is it just generally attractive?  I would have to think generally attractive, however, I have heard others say that so-and-so is attractive, and I have disagreed.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So, what if the person that the fortune cookie god considers attractive is not someone that I would consider attractive?
  • Attractive how?  Physically appealing to the eyes?  Attractive in their attributes (i.e. kind, loving, gentle)?  Attractive because of their aged wisdom, attractive because they are puppy-cute, attractive because their tremendous mass naturally Gravitationally pulls stronger????
Melanie Safka has this to say:

Now, she was obviously on something that probably wasn't legal when she wrote this, sang this, or perhaps both.  But, drug-addledness aside, I think one of her points may be that all people are beautiful, by the very nature of their being people.  Which, in any case, is something I feel may be right.  Which leads us to a new issue...

Problem Number 3)  The conclusion I have come to is basically someone in the world somewhere has a message for me.  People are telling me things all the time.  Most of these things could be considered messages, even if they aren't very important.

"Your bank statement is ready for viewing on the website."
"Your order will be right up."
"The Super Bowl is on Sunday."
"Your car is leaking gas."
"Your child is leaking urine."

However, seeing that this is an important fortune from the fortune cookie gods, who we are worshiping, I have to think that the message carries some importance, though it doesn't specifically say so.  But is this a message I will have to act on... "Seek the egg of the bald eagle in the land of a thousand dreams."  Or more of a general message... "I love you, Daddy."

What if the important message was "I love you, Daddy," but some lunatic comes up to me with the second message a day later?  I may assume that the second message is real and start my no-doubt fruitless quest in vain...

Problem Number 4)  In the end, am I even to do anything at all!!!  The fortune doesn't specify if the message is good, bad, dire, indifferent, usual, unusual, actionable, unactionable, foolish or anything.  Perhaps the fortune wants to warn me that the message I receive will endanger me, or perhaps it is a message that I should take special note of to follow.  How am I to know?

Conclusion  I'm just going to use my common sense/acquired wisdom on this one.  I'll keep my eye open for a message from an attractive person, no doubt; but I will respond to that message within my discretion, when it is revealed.

Now - it's your turn.
What fortunes have the cookie gods revealed to you?  (Is it that you have a message for an attractive person?  I'm right here!)
How has your fortune helped you, changed you, made you ponder? 
Tweet, Facebook and comment your fortunes.  If you need help with their meanings, you've come to the right place.  We'll do our inspired best!

Facebook -
Twitter -
YouTube -


Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Answer is No

Alright, homies and homielitas.  We have indeed received word from on high: an unequivocal and certain message.  A decision had to be made in order to move Cult of the Week forward, and the floundering of Aaron and Nathaniel has been supplanted by a final decision. 

We can tell, though, that a lot of thought and care was put into this decision.  We are sorry for those of you eager for more Gravity, but I think we can all agree that leaving our first Cult behind, while difficult, is probably for the best.

So - moving on.  Nate and I have been unable to put a lot of thought into our next cult.  We've been so focused on Gravity, as well as some additional projects that are in the works, that we haven't had a lot of time to consider the future.

But, that's okay.  Cult progression should not be a part of some sort of secret agenda that we have as we seek to manipulate and milk our followers.  No, they should be an organic outgrowth of our natural advancement and should mirror our identity as a progressive, important religious presence in our world.  When we first received the note concerning the immediate change in cults, we were worried.  But the gods of all provided and promptly inspired us as we sat down to some Chinese cuisine.

"When one door closes, another opens," read the message from the gods that inhabited Nathaniel's fortune cookie.

Without a doubt, we were to consume copious amounts of Asian food and get our hands on as many fortune cookies as we possibly could.  Their messages would lead us forward.  Forget the astrological augurs, as if the stars positions and movements could be interpreted with any sort of reliability by wanna-be psychic hacks.

Therefore, loyal followers of Cult of the Week - Rise from your prone Gravity-worshiping positions, discard your bootleg copies of "Gravity," take up your hunger and go for Chinese.  With great reverence, remove your fortunes.  Read and follow their directions - post them upon your door, frame them for display within your home, read and reread them.  Post them here, tweet them or share on Facebook.  Go and proselytize the Cult of Fortune Cookies.

In case you aren't connected -
Twitter - @CultoftheWeek
Facebook -
Youtube -

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Troubles In Paradise

It's been a long time since Cult of the Week has blogged.  Inexcusable?  Untenable?  Rude? 

Yes, all of the above.  I feel somewhat responsible.  Okay, I feel mostly responsible.  It is my responsibility to update and compose blog posts; to communicate with you, the faithful; to explicate the unknown and clarify great prophecies from our beloved gods.  However, my "partner," who for the first time decided to compose his own blog post, has confused our followers and extrapolated the truth in such a way as to make a worship of Gravity based upon the posts I have written and the one he has written, untenable.  

Such speculation and dissension can be expected and encouraged in main-line religions - and they are free to splinter into sub-denominations and factions; but that will not work in a cult setting.  That is why so many cults are based upon the hearsay of one magnetic, prophetic individual.  Splinter cells will either fizzle out or cause the downfall of the entire cult, depending on membership.

Our cult cannot survive such division.

So, yes.  I have been procrastinating.  I am hoping we can resolve this impasse, but our relationship is strained to the breaking. 

I love Gravity, we both do, but there has been some talk.  Here are some emails we have received:

  "...You guys are hilarious.  This cult thing is funny too.  I have read a few of the posts.  When are you going to worship something different?"  -pookie2timer

"Hi, long time reader, first time writer.  I've enjoyed your blog for the most part.  You have made some very compelling arguments and developed some interesting takes on Gravity.  I have appreciated those posts.  But I am a bit concerned.  All we seem to be doing is worshiping Gravity.  I realize that in Cult of the Week, a week is not a literal week, and though it does strike me as a little silly, I am content to allow you this point.  However it has been what, half a year, since you started up?  I am eagerly anticipating the next Cult.  When can we expect to see this?"  -HisJaredness23

 "I don't worship Gravity.  I will never worship Gravity.  I will never worship anything that you request us to worship.  Your blog is lame.  You two are lame.  But it is flipping Cult of the WEEK.  Let's move on shall we?"  -  KnightBoat

I hear the complaints, the moans, the muffled weeping that is sure to accompany this pronouncement, but I think we should give it another go.  I think we can iron out these differences.

What do you say Nathaniel.  Should we give Gravity a final push?  I don't believe Gravity is through with us yet.