Beautiful People

Cult of the Week's second cult is Fortune Cookie messages.  Let's forsake some of the formalities this week and get straight into it!

Today I received this Fortune Cookie message:

Sounds pretty fantastic, right?  But, then I got to thinking.  What exactly what is this fortune trying to tell me?

Problem Number 1)  This isn't really a real fortune.  I mean, it is and it isn't.  It seems the important message is actually what the attractive person is going to tell me.  And if that person is going to tell me, then what need have I of the fortune?  Aren't we simply complicating matters, setting up an unnecessarily elaborate scavenger hunt?

Perhaps I need to seek out this attractive person...

Problem Number 2)  This sounds like a great idea.  Who wouldn't like to cruise about looking for attractive women and asking them if they "have a message for me."  However, who is to say what attractive is?  This is a huge impediment to my search:

• Do I tell my wife?  Yes, I'm married, which reduces the search for a hot mama to something less exciting than it would be if I weren't so wonderfully encumbered.  But, my marital appendage is not really the jealous type, so I think she'd not really have much of a problem with it, though her already suffering opinion of me may suffer serious damage.
• Do I include guys?  Women are more attractive to me, but there is no denying that there are attractive men out there.  (No, there is no creaking closet door in that statement.)  So, now I'm cruising for guys and girls??
• Is this attractive to me, or is it just generally attractive?  I would have to think generally attractive, however, I have heard others say that so-and-so is attractive, and I have disagreed.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So, what if the person that the fortune cookie god considers attractive is not someone that I would consider attractive?
• Attractive how?  Physically appealing to the eyes?  Attractive in their attributes (i.e. kind, loving, gentle)?  Attractive because of their aged wisdom, attractive because they are puppy-cute, attractive because their tremendous mass naturally Gravitationally pulls stronger????

Melanie Safka has this to say:

Now, she was obviously on something that probably wasn't legal when she wrote this, sang this, or perhaps both.  But, drug-addledness aside, I think one of her points may be that all people are beautiful, by the very nature of their being people.  Which, in any case, is something I feel may be right.  Which leads us to a new issue...

Problem Number 3)  The conclusion I have come to is basically someone in the world somewhere has a message for me.  People are telling me things all the time.  Most of these things could be considered messages, even if they aren't very important.

"Your bank statement is ready for viewing on the website."
"Your order will be right up."
"The Super Bowl is on Sunday."
"Your car is leaking gas."
"Your child is leaking urine."

However, seeing that this is an important fortune from the fortune cookie gods, who we are worshiping, I have to think that the message carries some importance, though it doesn't specifically say so.  But is this a message I will have to act on... "Seek the egg of the bald eagle in the land of a thousand dreams."  Or more of a general message... "I love you, Daddy."

What if the important message was "I love you, Daddy," but some lunatic comes up to me with the second message a day later?  I may assume that the second message is real and start my no-doubt fruitless quest in vain...

Problem Number 4)  In the end, am I even to do anything at all!!!  The fortune doesn't specify if the message is good, bad, dire, indifferent, usual, unusual, actionable, unactionable, foolish or anything.  Perhaps the fortune wants to warn me that the message I receive will endanger me, or perhaps it is a message that I should take special note of to follow.  How am I to know?

Conclusion  I'm just going to use my common sense/acquired wisdom on this one.  I'll keep my eye open for a message from an attractive person, no doubt; but I will respond to that message within my discretion, when it is revealed.

Now - it's your turn.
What fortunes have the cookie gods revealed to you?  (Is it that you have a message for an attractive person?  I'm right here!)
How has your fortune helped you, changed you, made you ponder? 
Tweet, Facebook and comment your fortunes.  If you need help with their meanings, you've come to the right place.  We'll do our inspired best!

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/CultoftheWeek
Twitter - https://twitter.com/CultoftheWeek
YouTube - http://www.youtube.com/user/cultoftheweek

 

The Answer is No

Alright, homies and homielitas.  We have indeed received word from on high: an unequivocal and certain message.  A decision had to be made in order to move Cult of the Week forward, and the floundering of Aaron and Nathaniel has been supplanted by a final decision. 

We can tell, though, that a lot of thought and care was put into this decision.  We are sorry for those of you eager for more Gravity, but I think we can all agree that leaving our first Cult behind, while difficult, is probably for the best.

So - moving on.  Nate and I have been unable to put a lot of thought into our next cult.  We've been so focused on Gravity, as well as some additional projects that are in the works, that we haven't had a lot of time to consider the future.

But, that's okay.  Cult progression should not be a part of some sort of secret agenda that we have as we seek to manipulate and milk our followers.  No, they should be an organic outgrowth of our natural advancement and should mirror our identity as a progressive, important religious presence in our world.  When we first received the note concerning the immediate change in cults, we were worried.  But the gods of all provided and promptly inspired us as we sat down to some Chinese cuisine.

"When one door closes, another opens," read the message from the gods that inhabited Nathaniel's fortune cookie.

Without a doubt, we were to consume copious amounts of Asian food and get our hands on as many fortune cookies as we possibly could.  Their messages would lead us forward.  Forget the astrological augurs, as if the stars positions and movements could be interpreted with any sort of reliability by wanna-be psychic hacks.

Therefore, loyal followers of Cult of the Week - Rise from your prone Gravity-worshiping positions, discard your bootleg copies of "Gravity," take up your hunger and go for Chinese.  With great reverence, remove your fortunes.  Read and follow their directions - post them upon your door, frame them for display within your home, read and reread them.  Post them here, tweet them or share on Facebook.  Go and proselytize the Cult of Fortune Cookies.

In case you aren't connected -
Twitter - @CultoftheWeek
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/CultoftheWeek
Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/user/cultoftheweek

Troubles In Paradise

It's been a long time since Cult of the Week has blogged.  Inexcusable?  Untenable?  Rude? 

Yes, all of the above.  I feel somewhat responsible.  Okay, I feel mostly responsible.  It is my responsibility to update and compose blog posts; to communicate with you, the faithful; to explicate the unknown and clarify great prophecies from our beloved gods.  However, my "partner," who for the first time decided to compose his own blog post, has confused our followers and extrapolated the truth in such a way as to make a worship of Gravity based upon the posts I have written and the one he has written, untenable.  

Such speculation and dissension can be expected and encouraged in main-line religions - and they are free to splinter into sub-denominations and factions; but that will not work in a cult setting.  That is why so many cults are based upon the hearsay of one magnetic, prophetic individual.  Splinter cells will either fizzle out or cause the downfall of the entire cult, depending on membership.

Our cult cannot survive such division.

So, yes.  I have been procrastinating.  I am hoping we can resolve this impasse, but our relationship is strained to the breaking. 

I love Gravity, we both do, but there has been some talk.  Here are some emails we have received:

  "...You guys are hilarious.  This cult thing is funny too.  I have read a few of the posts.  When are you going to worship something different?"  -pookie2timer

"Hi, long time reader, first time writer.  I've enjoyed your blog for the most part.  You have made some very compelling arguments and developed some interesting takes on Gravity.  I have appreciated those posts.  But I am a bit concerned.  All we seem to be doing is worshiping Gravity.  I realize that in Cult of the Week, a week is not a literal week, and though it does strike me as a little silly, I am content to allow you this point.  However it has been what, half a year, since you started up?  I am eagerly anticipating the next Cult.  When can we expect to see this?"  -HisJaredness23

 "I don't worship Gravity.  I will never worship Gravity.  I will never worship anything that you request us to worship.  Your blog is lame.  You two are lame.  But it is flipping Cult of the WEEK.  Let's move on shall we?"  -  KnightBoat

I hear the complaints, the moans, the muffled weeping that is sure to accompany this pronouncement, but I think we should give it another go.  I think we can iron out these differences.

What do you say Nathaniel.  Should we give Gravity a final push?  I don't believe Gravity is through with us yet.

A Call to Arms

Epistle from the Regent and Defender of the Faith, Cult of the Week, Nathaniel Savidge


Greetings to all the faithful followers of Gravity. Contemplate the the words of the Book that came to me this week:

Behold the Book of Weeks, Ineffable and ever-changing.

Behold the Book of Weeks, blessed are its out-comings, and its goings-forth.

Seek within its knowledge, for it is unchanging and ever written.
Find the path that is inside to reach the outer way, for the transformation of many is surely fire for the few.

And lo, call me not Shirley.

--1^st mantra for the faithful, from The Meditations, Ineffable Book of Weeks

 

I have long contemplated the stirring revelations of our Prophet. I have struggled to come to a true and faithful understanding of True Gravitism. And, as the anointed Regent and Defender of the Faith of the Cult of the Week, I have, using the those unique abilities which originally confirmed me in my role and life's mission, perfected my understanding of Gravity and the Regional Grampf dimension. 

Now, for the first time since the elder times, the words of the Prophet can be explicated for those in bondage and darkness, trapped as they are in the linear drudgery of the Side-Out Toad dimension! Fear not, our current naturalistic understanding of Gravity is not evil, but only misleading. I will open your minds to the potential of the true and illuminated gravitic life. These simple, life affirming practices will radically change your lives if you follow them to the absolute letter.

Remember that the perspective of unenlightened humans is very limited. You must rely on the enlightenment of the COTW to realign your perceptions to the truth. For example, we know from quantum physics that our perception of Gravity manifests in our dimension from the quantum spins of subatomic particles in all things. This proves that Gravity manifests and controls all things around us. The unenlightened and heretics alike confirm this power. Now we move towards enlightenment. Our unfortunate current state-perception in the side-out toad dimension is linear and moves forward through its spherical space-projection, never truly changing and therefore never allowing us true change. We now know the true space-projection, regional gramph, intersects our situation here and now in ways to give us hope:

In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consciousness works on the 2^nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4^th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.

--Words of Aaron the OTP, concerning the new gravitic way, from the Oraculum, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Naturally, most human perception severely limits the ability to visualize such complex realities. To explain the revelation, gramph intersects with us here in such a way as to be non-linear and circular in nature, if one were to picture the intersections as a 6 dimensional construct, of course. Until you obtain these higher thought regions, simply know that Gravity intersects with us wherever we are. And will continue to do so. Some higher interactions with Gravity may even take place in a chronologically non-linear order! But, how can the faithful start down this road? By emulating Gravity in its spherically propagating way:

1. Twirling around daily, and if possible, violently. As Gravity moves, so should we move in the same manner. (Sufis, Tibetan monks, and most small children naturally know this Truth!)
   
2. This twirling is preferably accompanied with the recitation of the following mantra: “As Gravity goes, so shall I. Forward I go, even as around spins the toaded.” (You are not actually moving. Gravity moves the world. It's just a question of perspective)
   
3. Show unrequited kindness toward an elephant at least once in your life. (It will really make a huge difference. It has to do with confluence of gravitic field strength in large sentient bodies. The exact details are far beyond the scope of the average acolyte's knowledge.)
   
4. 
   If you are one of the lucky to receive a manifestation of your gravitic clone, whatever you do, don't be stingy with the tea! Things have been known to get “weird” otherwise.
   
5. Tell everyone everything you currently know of Gravity and the Gravity filled life. But only as much as they need to know at the moment. With only 35 years left of this existence, we can't afford to wait or confuse the uninitiated with higher order philosophy and idle chit chat.
   
6. As interstellar travel is currently unavailable, it is recommended that all faithful who struggle with perceptions of Gravity undertake a pilgrimage from Detroit to Vermont (in the US, not the planet Vermont. (Which is actually a moon of a habitable zone gas giant planet currently known in scientific circles as “MOA-2011-BLG-293L b”, in the constellation Sagittarius, near the galactic core. A perfect gravitational confluence!)). Taking a heartfelt pilgrimage (ie while twirling) will help realign your perceptions and cure the warts of the toaded generationally.
   

Strive to emulate these deeper congruities of Gravity; always twirling, twirling toward freedom!

One further note to the faithful. Regarding usage of the Words of the Prophet: “side out toad”:  Some have taken to using the phrase “I'll Toad you”. The meaning is intended as a spiritual diagnosis. Rather like soothsayers and fortune tellers, but with more nit-picking and accusations of heresy. While not quite a threat, this usage has been taken as harsh by some because of its abuse by others. Beware of your despision of the faithful. Judgement is sure and those who test this Gravitational rule will be converted to bifurcated spiritual mana for the faithful and Gravity's coming realignment. I am sure that Ryan the Heretic will have an opinion on this as well. As example, consider the true words of the Book:

Then as they strode together, with mind of fire and eyes of gold, the Prophet answered them in the moment of illumination, “Where then can my tongue not bound? In argument of all things I have been granted a cause and a strident voice to proclaim this, the new revelation of Gravity. Surely in the goings forth and in the leavings out, the Knowledge will return again to the Source through the illumination of many ears.” Then spake Alan the Heretic falsely against Gravity, and all were filled with minds of fire as they ate together that day.

--from the Founding of Gravity, 1^st of the Histories, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Also, in a completely unrelated bit of news, I have manifested a new spiritual power to further lead the cult. I have the power to manifest books by power of will alone. Not with actual paper mind you. Writing them down still seems to be a lengthy and arduous process.


A piece of all weighty things to all you of the faith. Hail Gravity!


     Nate
     Regent and Defender of the Faith
    

By all approval and power of the Cult of the Week Tribunal Synod

Gravity's Revelations

Gravity and the elemental angling of its dimensional properties be with you. Hail Gravity!

We have been Gravitists for nearly six weeks. Hardly enough time for any new religion to kick start itself, let alone garner a following and begin changing the world. Congratulations to us.

Not only do we have adherents all over the world, we are also in talks with TDTV to broadcast Cult of the Week so that even more followers can jump on the bandwagon.

Heed the Explication of Prophecy Ye Faithful

Most pressingly positive of all, perhaps, is the revelation of Gravity to Aaron, our Divine Prophet, and the subsequent revelations that have rocked the Gravitistic world in such a positive fashion. In communication with Gravity, I have obtained the chief end of man. Gravity has revealed to me Its stunning presage for all of us, and that future is glorious.

Allow me to amplify further.

Looking at the universe as a dynamic whole, and the spatial spheres therein, one must take Gravity as it naturally is and within the framework of cultural and culturally scientific pursuits, never forgetting that, scientifically speaking, Gravity is often defined as our perceptions dictate, disregarding the inherent absentness of absolute truth with regards to our own fallibility.

We and our followers have naturally worshiped Gravity based upon this chassis; thereby desecrating Gravity and condemning ourselves. Perhaps these words sound harsh and that is because they are. Nevertheless, all our worship has not been in vain. We have been on the right track; we just have not had all the truth we needed.




Welcome to the tenth dimension, people.





 

In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consiousness works on the 2^nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4^th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.





Gravity inhabits all spherical and non-spherical dimensional realities, and for the sake of simplifying things, non-realities. Reality, as the majority of those who dwell within the side-out toad dimension experience it, is vastly limited and more than generally disproportionately misconstrued as a circus elephant ride in Detroit. Gravity is here to bring clarity to your delusions. (As a simple example, most of those elephant rides are actually taking place, not in Detroit, but on the flipside of a planet called Vermont, not to be confused with the united state of the same name, and are actually alien abductions by a benevolent but medically curious race. Ironically, most interplanetary probe stories are actually the result of a misinterpretation of afternoon teas with one's Gravitational clone.)

We have 35 of our year-perceptions to restore the “human” populace to a deeper understanding of reality and what it means to inhabit our dimension as congruent and genetically placed hybrids of limited but historically accurate importance.


At the end of such time, Gravity is pulling out the proverbial hammer and using black hole properties to reconfigure the heretical flesh of unbelievers to seedlings of a substance that, when raised to fruition, Gravity will distribute as a delicacy to all Its loyal adherents.  Only those followers who have transitioned genetically to the regional gramph dimension via Gravity's localized reversed flow will escape the wrath.



Now is the time to join us and escape the coming apocalypse.  We select few will be all of our race left to repopulate and, using the transformed substance of our fellow Earthians, create a new civilization.

Solicit all your intelligent and hot friends to join us in this brave new world.

Prophetic Elucidation

We have received some concerned responses regarding our last posted video - Cult of the Week Episode 5 - Movie Review and a Startling Revelation.  These responses were not exactly negative, but anxious and were not concerning the movie review by our Regent, but by the divinitory vision that assaulted our prophet before your very eyes.

Some have claimed sham.  Some, too far!  And yet others expressed a doomsdayish fanaticism.

In an effort to clarify for all, we have created this video.

These things were clarified in my mind as I recovered from the impact of the blasting visitation that Gravity bestowed upon me.  There is more that Gravity has given me, stowed away in the recesses of my mind, and these shall be revealed to you, the faithful, in our next blog.

Gravity Speaks!

Good Gravity, all!  A brand-new, fun-filled video blog is here for your enjoyment.

In today's video, Nathaniel and I sit down to discuss the new film, Gravity.  Beware, though, as something unexpected happens afterward.

For our next installment, we are planning on having Sandra Bullock and George Clooney do a guest blog, so they can share their stories and how they came to believe in Gravity.  Stay tuned!