Troubles In Paradise

It's been a long time since Cult of the Week has blogged.  Inexcusable?  Untenable?  Rude? 

Yes, all of the above.  I feel somewhat responsible.  Okay, I feel mostly responsible.  It is my responsibility to update and compose blog posts; to communicate with you, the faithful; to explicate the unknown and clarify great prophecies from our beloved gods.  However, my "partner," who for the first time decided to compose his own blog post, has confused our followers and extrapolated the truth in such a way as to make a worship of Gravity based upon the posts I have written and the one he has written, untenable.  

Such speculation and dissension can be expected and encouraged in main-line religions - and they are free to splinter into sub-denominations and factions; but that will not work in a cult setting.  That is why so many cults are based upon the hearsay of one magnetic, prophetic individual.  Splinter cells will either fizzle out or cause the downfall of the entire cult, depending on membership.

Our cult cannot survive such division.

So, yes.  I have been procrastinating.  I am hoping we can resolve this impasse, but our relationship is strained to the breaking. 

I love Gravity, we both do, but there has been some talk.  Here are some emails we have received:

  "...You guys are hilarious.  This cult thing is funny too.  I have read a few of the posts.  When are you going to worship something different?"  -pookie2timer

"Hi, long time reader, first time writer.  I've enjoyed your blog for the most part.  You have made some very compelling arguments and developed some interesting takes on Gravity.  I have appreciated those posts.  But I am a bit concerned.  All we seem to be doing is worshiping Gravity.  I realize that in Cult of the Week, a week is not a literal week, and though it does strike me as a little silly, I am content to allow you this point.  However it has been what, half a year, since you started up?  I am eagerly anticipating the next Cult.  When can we expect to see this?"  -HisJaredness23

 "I don't worship Gravity.  I will never worship Gravity.  I will never worship anything that you request us to worship.  Your blog is lame.  You two are lame.  But it is flipping Cult of the WEEK.  Let's move on shall we?"  -  KnightBoat

I hear the complaints, the moans, the muffled weeping that is sure to accompany this pronouncement, but I think we should give it another go.  I think we can iron out these differences.

What do you say Nathaniel.  Should we give Gravity a final push?  I don't believe Gravity is through with us yet.

A Call to Arms

Epistle from the Regent and Defender of the Faith, Cult of the Week, Nathaniel Savidge


Greetings to all the faithful followers of Gravity. Contemplate the the words of the Book that came to me this week:

Behold the Book of Weeks, Ineffable and ever-changing.

Behold the Book of Weeks, blessed are its out-comings, and its goings-forth.

Seek within its knowledge, for it is unchanging and ever written.
Find the path that is inside to reach the outer way, for the transformation of many is surely fire for the few.

And lo, call me not Shirley.

--1^st mantra for the faithful, from The Meditations, Ineffable Book of Weeks

 

I have long contemplated the stirring revelations of our Prophet. I have struggled to come to a true and faithful understanding of True Gravitism. And, as the anointed Regent and Defender of the Faith of the Cult of the Week, I have, using the those unique abilities which originally confirmed me in my role and life's mission, perfected my understanding of Gravity and the Regional Grampf dimension. 

Now, for the first time since the elder times, the words of the Prophet can be explicated for those in bondage and darkness, trapped as they are in the linear drudgery of the Side-Out Toad dimension! Fear not, our current naturalistic understanding of Gravity is not evil, but only misleading. I will open your minds to the potential of the true and illuminated gravitic life. These simple, life affirming practices will radically change your lives if you follow them to the absolute letter.

Remember that the perspective of unenlightened humans is very limited. You must rely on the enlightenment of the COTW to realign your perceptions to the truth. For example, we know from quantum physics that our perception of Gravity manifests in our dimension from the quantum spins of subatomic particles in all things. This proves that Gravity manifests and controls all things around us. The unenlightened and heretics alike confirm this power. Now we move towards enlightenment. Our unfortunate current state-perception in the side-out toad dimension is linear and moves forward through its spherical space-projection, never truly changing and therefore never allowing us true change. We now know the true space-projection, regional gramph, intersects our situation here and now in ways to give us hope:

In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consciousness works on the 2^nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4^th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.

--Words of Aaron the OTP, concerning the new gravitic way, from the Oraculum, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Naturally, most human perception severely limits the ability to visualize such complex realities. To explain the revelation, gramph intersects with us here in such a way as to be non-linear and circular in nature, if one were to picture the intersections as a 6 dimensional construct, of course. Until you obtain these higher thought regions, simply know that Gravity intersects with us wherever we are. And will continue to do so. Some higher interactions with Gravity may even take place in a chronologically non-linear order! But, how can the faithful start down this road? By emulating Gravity in its spherically propagating way:

1. Twirling around daily, and if possible, violently. As Gravity moves, so should we move in the same manner. (Sufis, Tibetan monks, and most small children naturally know this Truth!)
   
2. This twirling is preferably accompanied with the recitation of the following mantra: “As Gravity goes, so shall I. Forward I go, even as around spins the toaded.” (You are not actually moving. Gravity moves the world. It's just a question of perspective)
   
3. Show unrequited kindness toward an elephant at least once in your life. (It will really make a huge difference. It has to do with confluence of gravitic field strength in large sentient bodies. The exact details are far beyond the scope of the average acolyte's knowledge.)
   
4. 
   If you are one of the lucky to receive a manifestation of your gravitic clone, whatever you do, don't be stingy with the tea! Things have been known to get “weird” otherwise.
   
5. Tell everyone everything you currently know of Gravity and the Gravity filled life. But only as much as they need to know at the moment. With only 35 years left of this existence, we can't afford to wait or confuse the uninitiated with higher order philosophy and idle chit chat.
   
6. As interstellar travel is currently unavailable, it is recommended that all faithful who struggle with perceptions of Gravity undertake a pilgrimage from Detroit to Vermont (in the US, not the planet Vermont. (Which is actually a moon of a habitable zone gas giant planet currently known in scientific circles as “MOA-2011-BLG-293L b”, in the constellation Sagittarius, near the galactic core. A perfect gravitational confluence!)). Taking a heartfelt pilgrimage (ie while twirling) will help realign your perceptions and cure the warts of the toaded generationally.
   

Strive to emulate these deeper congruities of Gravity; always twirling, twirling toward freedom!

One further note to the faithful. Regarding usage of the Words of the Prophet: “side out toad”:  Some have taken to using the phrase “I'll Toad you”. The meaning is intended as a spiritual diagnosis. Rather like soothsayers and fortune tellers, but with more nit-picking and accusations of heresy. While not quite a threat, this usage has been taken as harsh by some because of its abuse by others. Beware of your despision of the faithful. Judgement is sure and those who test this Gravitational rule will be converted to bifurcated spiritual mana for the faithful and Gravity's coming realignment. I am sure that Ryan the Heretic will have an opinion on this as well. As example, consider the true words of the Book:

Then as they strode together, with mind of fire and eyes of gold, the Prophet answered them in the moment of illumination, “Where then can my tongue not bound? In argument of all things I have been granted a cause and a strident voice to proclaim this, the new revelation of Gravity. Surely in the goings forth and in the leavings out, the Knowledge will return again to the Source through the illumination of many ears.” Then spake Alan the Heretic falsely against Gravity, and all were filled with minds of fire as they ate together that day.

--from the Founding of Gravity, 1^st of the Histories, Ineffable Book of Weeks

Also, in a completely unrelated bit of news, I have manifested a new spiritual power to further lead the cult. I have the power to manifest books by power of will alone. Not with actual paper mind you. Writing them down still seems to be a lengthy and arduous process.


A piece of all weighty things to all you of the faith. Hail Gravity!


     Nate
     Regent and Defender of the Faith
    

By all approval and power of the Cult of the Week Tribunal Synod

Gravity's Revelations

Gravity and the elemental angling of its dimensional properties be with you. Hail Gravity!

We have been Gravitists for nearly six weeks. Hardly enough time for any new religion to kick start itself, let alone garner a following and begin changing the world. Congratulations to us.

Not only do we have adherents all over the world, we are also in talks with TDTV to broadcast Cult of the Week so that even more followers can jump on the bandwagon.

Heed the Explication of Prophecy Ye Faithful

Most pressingly positive of all, perhaps, is the revelation of Gravity to Aaron, our Divine Prophet, and the subsequent revelations that have rocked the Gravitistic world in such a positive fashion. In communication with Gravity, I have obtained the chief end of man. Gravity has revealed to me Its stunning presage for all of us, and that future is glorious.

Allow me to amplify further.

Looking at the universe as a dynamic whole, and the spatial spheres therein, one must take Gravity as it naturally is and within the framework of cultural and culturally scientific pursuits, never forgetting that, scientifically speaking, Gravity is often defined as our perceptions dictate, disregarding the inherent absentness of absolute truth with regards to our own fallibility.

We and our followers have naturally worshiped Gravity based upon this chassis; thereby desecrating Gravity and condemning ourselves. Perhaps these words sound harsh and that is because they are. Nevertheless, all our worship has not been in vain. We have been on the right track; we just have not had all the truth we needed.




Welcome to the tenth dimension, people.





 

In my trans-dimensional vision, Gravity has revealed all truth to me, and it is not as you may imagine. Human consiousness works on the 2^nd spherical dimension. This dimension, which we shall call the side-out toad dimension bisects the regional gramph dimension (4^th) in two non-congruent independent ways, along the back-inverse angle and generationally. Naturally, it is along genetic heritage lines that Gravity chooses to interact with the “human race” unilaterally.





Gravity inhabits all spherical and non-spherical dimensional realities, and for the sake of simplifying things, non-realities. Reality, as the majority of those who dwell within the side-out toad dimension experience it, is vastly limited and more than generally disproportionately misconstrued as a circus elephant ride in Detroit. Gravity is here to bring clarity to your delusions. (As a simple example, most of those elephant rides are actually taking place, not in Detroit, but on the flipside of a planet called Vermont, not to be confused with the united state of the same name, and are actually alien abductions by a benevolent but medically curious race. Ironically, most interplanetary probe stories are actually the result of a misinterpretation of afternoon teas with one's Gravitational clone.)

We have 35 of our year-perceptions to restore the “human” populace to a deeper understanding of reality and what it means to inhabit our dimension as congruent and genetically placed hybrids of limited but historically accurate importance.


At the end of such time, Gravity is pulling out the proverbial hammer and using black hole properties to reconfigure the heretical flesh of unbelievers to seedlings of a substance that, when raised to fruition, Gravity will distribute as a delicacy to all Its loyal adherents.  Only those followers who have transitioned genetically to the regional gramph dimension via Gravity's localized reversed flow will escape the wrath.



Now is the time to join us and escape the coming apocalypse.  We select few will be all of our race left to repopulate and, using the transformed substance of our fellow Earthians, create a new civilization.

Solicit all your intelligent and hot friends to join us in this brave new world.

Prophetic Elucidation

We have received some concerned responses regarding our last posted video - Cult of the Week Episode 5 - Movie Review and a Startling Revelation.  These responses were not exactly negative, but anxious and were not concerning the movie review by our Regent, but by the divinitory vision that assaulted our prophet before your very eyes.

Some have claimed sham.  Some, too far!  And yet others expressed a doomsdayish fanaticism.

In an effort to clarify for all, we have created this video.

These things were clarified in my mind as I recovered from the impact of the blasting visitation that Gravity bestowed upon me.  There is more that Gravity has given me, stowed away in the recesses of my mind, and these shall be revealed to you, the faithful, in our next blog.

Gravity Speaks!

Good Gravity, all!  A brand-new, fun-filled video blog is here for your enjoyment.

In today's video, Nathaniel and I sit down to discuss the new film, Gravity.  Beware, though, as something unexpected happens afterward.

For our next installment, we are planning on having Sandra Bullock and George Clooney do a guest blog, so they can share their stories and how they came to believe in Gravity.  Stay tuned!

Weighty Matters

I do hope that you have all been singing the Gravity hymn faithfully and that it has enriched you in your devotion to Gravity. If you don't know the Gravity hymn, please follow this link to the video and begin participating immediately. You can post videos of you singing the hymn to our YouTube channel and let us know what you think.  Think of this as your duty to Gravity, which has been so faithful to you.


 As faithful followers, though, please be aware that the singing of the anthem is not optional. It is compulsory. Gravity has demanded this rite as a necessary sacrifice for all adherents; and, though we shall not demand confession, Gravity will know whether you are good or bad. Do not suppose that Gravity will not deign to strike the nominal among you.

Many heathens believe that there is one indisputable law of Gravity.  This is not so.  Let us denote our first three rules of Gravitism, which you, the elect and faithful are now privileged to hear.

1. Thou shalt believest that Gravity exists and is the supreme god of the week.
   
2. Thou shaltest sing the first Gravitational hymn at least once during the duration of the cult. (Gravity will reward you double points for posting a video.)
3. Thou shalt prostrate thyself before Gravity.  The meditation of experiencing Gravity's pull will remind the weak in faith that Gravity's embrace is all encompassing.  This is mandatory.  (Sleep doesn't count, ye sluggards!!)  Once daily you must publicly demonstrate your devotion.
   

Remember, the One True Prophet is the undisputed speaker of all gravitic truth, and as such, his holy rules are not to be disputed.  And the Reigning Monarch is standing by with his Smiting Sword and Prod of Discipline to enforce the heck out of them.


Good – on with the meat of the post.

In Part Two of the Gravity Cult's doctrinal and expository rantings, I would like to debunk some of the ridiculous heretical statements made by some of our faithful followers. Hopefully, these answers will not only show our followers to be foolish, but also further enlighten the masses in what the worship of Gravity really is all about.



The Epistle to Gwyned

On September 29^th, we received the following comment from gwyned. gwyned is responsible for creating Gravity's one and only hymn and for that we are ever grateful.  He comments:

“So what happens when I remove myself from the gravitational pull of any nearby large-mass objects? Does this not greatly diminish gravity's power over me, allowing me to escape from its power for all practical purposes? In that case, there is something that this god cannot do, and thus gravity is no god at all.”

Ridiculous, gwyned, though I appreciate your dissenting opinion - it is truly refreshing. However, I will debunk you.

You see, we are not worshiping large-mass objects. We are worshiping gravity. Just because you move away from large-mass objects doesn't mean that gravity disappears. Gravity is just as present as ever. Gravity is in ALL things. You, gwyned, have a gravitational pull, negligible though it is; and though you have been impertinent Gravity still dwells within you, as it does all beings. Of course, your communing with Gravity through beautiful song has greatly improved Gravity's thoughts toward you.

Those of us who dwell on earth (physically) currently inhabit three separate realms of gravity. Earth itself has a gravitational pull on us. Earth and all of us are in the gravitational field of the sun. And the sun and all in its sway are in the gravitational pull of the core of the galaxy. At no point are you escaping the power of gravity, though you run to Tarshish itself, even there will Gravity find you.







And to bring up a minor point – because a god cannot do something does not eliminate that entity from being a god. You can be a god and not be omnipresent, all powerful and invincible.

gwyned, because you have contributed significantly to the cause of Gravity, you will receive a pass for your outrageous questionings. And it is with great pleasure and supreme grace that we bestow upon you the title of Cult of the Week's Worship Maestro and Conductor Magnifique. What you choose to conduct is entirely up to you, of course. Congratulations!






The Epistle to Rose

Rose Nevets has pledged even more allegiance to Gravity by succumbing to the divine prophecy of her own derangement:

“Divine Gravity has only confirmed what I myself have suspected all along. I'm crazy. I bow my head to Gravity's divine wisdom.


Do you think I can obtain an official title including some form of "first crazed follower"? ;-)”

Of course.  Rose, because of your faithful allegiance, Cult of the Week has found favor with you. Henceforth, may you ever be known as our official Acolyte of Insanity. Your insane comments are always welcome; nay, may they even be considered fodder for the ever growing Ineffable Book of Weeks. The crazier, the better.






The Epistle to Lissajean

Another good friend of Cult of the Week, lissajean has written:

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I have known the two of you since those 'beginning' days that you so lovingly described... Yet, it is only in the past month that I have heard of the Cult of the Week. Is that a failing on my part, or yours?”

Obviously yours. If you would pay a little more attention to things, perhaps the important stuff, like Cult of the Week, wouldn't slip through the cracks of your mistaken priorities.

“When you stand at the end of the video, is that an act of rebellion? If falling to the floor is an act of worship (or, perhaps in this case, chastisement) then wouldn't the opposite follow? Also, would it be correct to assume that the closer you are to the Earth's center of gravity, the more 'holy' you are? Those who live in the mountains would then be considered 'weaker' in their faith? What about airplanes? They use all that energy to fly far above the ground... There are so many implications!”

Actually, lissajean, I would argue the opposite. In the video we were standing so that we could get closer to the earth by falling.  Regardless, the difference in gravity required to stand is quite minimal. But, in general those who seek the heights – mountains, cliffs, airplanes, even jumping off their feet – are in actuality worshiping gravity quite sincerely. For they are trusting that as they pull themselves up, away from our nearest large-scale gravitational field, that Gravity will perform its divine work on them and bring them earthward once again. Those who travel to the reaches of space are trusting that the same Gravity that worked in them so faithfully on earth, would do likewise as they searched the far reaches of our universe. In the absence of earthly Gravity, the vast bounds of Gravity become all the more evident. Truly, the heavens declare the majesty of Gravity.

Indeed, those of us who desperately cling to the surface of our sphere could be seeking greater knowledge of gravity, or perhaps we are very low in faith, not trusting Gravity to work.




We'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments and questions.


I foresee at least one more blog on the glory of Gravity. This one will be particularly exciting as it will delve into a historical heresy that started the moment the worship of Gravity was mentioned - Allanistic heresy.  It will also deal with the most important question we have as we worship Gravity -  the end of our faith. What it is really all about? Why worship Gravity in the first place? What is in it for us? (Thou selfish swine.) All these questions and more will be answered in our next blog – don't miss it.

In the Garden of Gravity

We have outstanding news for you today, and one heck of an awesome and enlightening video.


One of our faithful followers – gwyned – composed and sang the first ever Cult of the Week hymn and then he created a fascinating music video.


Yes – you actually heard right. Gravity, our first official cult, has its very first hymn. Here it is, linked to our YouTube channel.  (Including a special brief get-to-know-you video with our official Cult of the Week Heretic - Ryan Benbow.)

Huge thanks to gwyned for putting this together. Check out his blog – Writer Adept and follow him on twitter - @gwyned42.


Our challenge to you - create your own version of the hymn.  Create a video for YouTube or create a sound file and share it with us here on the blog, or in response to the YouTube video on our channel.  (Bonus points if you can get the vague reference in the title of the blog.)

The heavy lyrics (which must be sung with all reverence):
Gravity.
Worship the Gravity.
We thank Newton, and the apple that fell from the tree.
Gravity.
Pulling on you and me.
Downward we fall.
Both great and small.
Hail, Gravity.
Downward we fall.
Both great and small.
Hail, Gravity.



And never fear, more Gravitism topics in a new blog post coming soon!